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:iconshasta-rose:
Absolutely interesting piece to read, and on multiple levels. First of all, taking the traditional "Dies irae" and incorporating it into a modern setting with a spin on its original religious meaning really caught my eye. The way you used the lines, interspersing them with your main original text, is quite effective.

Secondly, you really set the scene incredibly well, showing us a truly tumultuous day of wrath, complete with red skies, burning stars, and the approach of a swarm-like black storm. I might consider rewording "Like of the inky sky a threat," which, while making sense, might possibly sound less cumbersome with a bit of time.

You've got a very strong, wonderful structure throughout the piece. The only time you diverge from that is having two English stanzas at the front instead of alternating between English and Latin. That's perfectly fine. The rhyme scheme is a lovely structure, as is the material you introduce in the poem - I was engaged from the intriguing beginning to the beautiful, appropriate ending. The poem's the right length, has a lovely shape, and makes for a wonderful cohesive unit.

Rhyme is something that's a little difficult to write, and I appreciate you using rhyme in the poem without making it sound like Dr. Seuss. I really like when poets can do that, and it was effective here. I think it added to the mood in a sense because you used something ancient - a Dies Irae - and rhyme also is another tradition, albeit a different one, that helps set the poem's mood. Every once in a while I feel like you were stretching to try to reach a perfect rhyme when it might have sounded cleaner otherwise. For example, the only time you use an enjambment is in these lines:

"Getting brighter and brighter until
For a short moment, the world stands still"

Which is a smart way to rhyme with "still," but it does stick out a little because of the first part of the second line.

You could also maybe do a little more with vocabulary. I think the vocabulary is great and very appropriate for the poem - just every once in a while keep in mind when you use words like "burning" twice in two lines right next to each other (end of second stanza). Finding a synonym subtly increases the quality of a poem and makes it shine any more.

I would say I am a person who is affected very much by the rhythm of the poem. You can ignore this, of course, since not everyone is so meter-centric as I am. A piece can sound really good with no definite meter, and it can sound really good with a definite meter. Sometimes, though, I run into poems where it almost sounds like they're edging toward a meter, but never quite reach it. Maybe that makes sense, or maybe I'm crazy. Either way, when I read this, I felt there was something a little off in the syllabic structure, preventing the piece from the maximum aesthetic flow. That's something really out there and something of a personal preference for me, so take it as you will. It's a lovely work either way, and I'm glad to have read it.
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Comments


:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much for the critique.
the meter is something I still have yet to learn about ^^
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:iconshasta-rose:
Shasta-Rose Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I was really glad to find your poem and talk about it. :)
Meter's a strange thing...
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